an sits at a kitchen table, in a house early morning still, in a small town, reading about a big world. He is already working through a second cup of coffee, steam still rising from the iconic steel mug.
“Mornin!” In strolls a friend, whose history lets him knock as he opens the door.
The friend opens with “Already at half a cup, huh?”…pausing, as what he sees triggers a lingering thought; “I have always meant to ask you…” gesturing towards the mug “…are you a half full or half empty guy?” The man, whose home it is, leans backwards from his perch, stretching towards the counter and grabbing the coffee pot with one hand, simultaneously setting a second mug on the worn wooden table with the other, filling the mug full for his guest…”not sure today…how are the kids?”
Hanger! Answer the question! Optimist or pessimist? We gotta’ know! Either…or? This or that? Am I going to relate to the guy and validate what he says or label him and predetermine his words?
Well…yes.
Funny how easily that piece fits when the context around it is in place.”
Liberal? Conservative? Independent? Religious? Non? Country or city? The question I ask? The answer I give? I am not always sure.
The truth is I arrive at conclusions far too often before ever listening, before ever asking questions. The truth is I give answers far too often that are in inch deep with no feeding roots. Too many concepts riddled in holes and full of reaction, built from nothing. Call them what you want; impressions, judgements, opinions, call them human nature. But I can’t fool myself into thinking they don’t constitute influence if I ignore the tendency.
The real conclusion comes from what should be the initial question “does this warrant a conclusion”. If the answer is “yes” then the discussion must turn investigative and contemplative, Socratic. Applying wisdom and requiring more conversation – asking many more questions to remove holes and replace reaction with real. Then, by applying generous amounts of wisdom, an informed resolution can be realized and lived out.
(…if it is not worth applying then it was not worth addressing.)
If “no” then I want to learn. Learn about a friend’s kids, about what others think, what they dream, what their hopes and plans are for today. Learn about my own thoughts, dreams, hopes and plans for today; all individual tessellating[1] puzzle pieces, connecting to form sections of a bigger picture. See the finished picture? Rarely, that takes a lifetime. But a picture filled in enough to better understand the subject (be it a friend, a stranger, or my own ideas).
Are we looking at Boathouse? Sunflowers? Maybe it’s just a bad day, a piece that does not fit, and not an actual character trait. There is always that one puzzle piece I try to make fit, again and again, to the point of forcing it, trying to convince myself that it must have been cut wrong. Funny how easily that piece fits when the context around it is in set true.
Critical note: 1 +1=2…yes, but that is a different conversation, and not the more common kind. Yes there are absolutes, absolutely! Yes, there are conversations that must be had, that must end in resolve and applied action. But there are far more pieces to discuss than conclusion to be determined. I am growing more focused on the individual conversations and being patient to allow the big picture to reveal itself. The tendency to end up at Either/Or is a character trait to be moderated.
Yes, the mug is half full…at times. Yes, the mug is half empty…at times. What matters more is the conversation and what I can learn from the contents; about people and topics first hand. This starts with me, then extends to others. Listening and understanding vs. interpreting and labeling.
As a Dad, I have to remember in my words that there are doors nearby; doors to rooms with children stirring in the early morning still, in a small town, listening to words about a big world. My poorly constructed reactions today cannot become ingrained in their tomorrow…
I am doing my best to recognize and kill bias and labels. Funny how faithful time and familiarity are to reveal the folly of them.
People deserve meaningful questions from me and I want to give valuable answers.
How about a cup of coffee and let’s talk about your day? Maybe we’ll learn enough to answer the question without ever asking it…maybe we will discover the right question and earn the credibility to hear the answer.
Cream? Sugar?
[1] One or more geometric shapes, called tiles, with no overlaps and no gaps – Jigsaw pieces.
